Childfree and Loving It: A Guest Post by Sean Mzwandile Sibanda, a Zimbabwean Student

childfree & loving itI am currently a final year student at Midlands State University in Zimbabwe. I’m studying for a Bachelor’s degree in tourism and hospitality management, majoring in food and beverage management. I hope to get into restaurant management shortly after I complete my program in June this year.

I’m from Bulawayo, Zimbabwe, but I will be relocating to South Africa later this year. I am Northern Ndebele, which is the second largest ethnic group in Zimbabwe after Shona.

I have been childfree for five months now. I recently discovered that parenthood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I have always had a fear of getting a girl pregnant. I dread hearing the words “I am pregnant” from a woman I’m dating. I just think that it’s too big of a decision to make. I have seen people’s lives altered by a child in ways that aren’t good. I personally believe that much of the poverty in Africa is caused by unplanned pregnancies and people abandoning those kids afterwards in orphanages, or worse, the streets. I know personally of relatives who secretly whisper about other people “they would have been better off in life if they hadn’t had kids”, and that just makes me shudder. I think parenthood should be something that one is excited and enthusiastic about when entering, because if one is not, then life can be very difficult.

I also think that kids are very expensive, and for me there are so many better satisfying and personally fulfilling endeavors worth channeling my time and resources into. I don’t really subscribe to the notion of working hard at school so my potential kids can have a better life. I have worked hard my entire life simply because of the way I want to live my own life, that is, in a comfortable and stress-free manner. When I was 17, I found myself suddenly obsessed with getting a vasectomy. What I found fascinating was the fact that it was permanent, but I always talked myself out of it since I was “supposed” to have kids like everyone else in society.

But realizing that you are childfree is so liberating and relieving to the point where I just can’t imagine living my life any other way.

Relationships as a Childfree Man

I haven’t told my immediate family of my decision. This is because I have read the typical responses others get when they “come out the closet” and I imagine the same responses coming out of my parents’ mouths. But to be honest I just don’t want to be talked out of it or to be pressure to conform to my parents’ values, especially while I’m still economically dependent on them. I have decided to tell them maybe in my 30s or later. But honestly, it’s my body. I’m adult who can make decisions, and also choose how, where, why and to whom I disclose these decisions.

I have told some of my friends and in the process, I hoped that they would rethink parenthood. Very few of them are supportive, to some they just respond with “you’re too young”, “you will never meet a woman like that”, “you’re just saying that because you can’t afford them now”, or “Don’t you want to leave a legacy?”

But I am confident that I will remain steadfast this my decision for the rest of my life. No, I won’t change my mind.

I’ve been single for two months now. My ex-girlfriend and I dated for 3 weeks. One of the reasons we broke up was because she couldn’t understand why I wanted to be childfree, and why I was so insistent on getting sterilized as soon as possible, when she had planned to get pregnant in a year’s time and even raise kid(s) singlehandedly. One of the reasons why I’m single is because I’m realizing that, as a childfree man, there’s no use dating a woman who has plans to have kids at any given point in their life. I might meet someone who doesn’t want kids right now, but doesn’t identify as childfree, and will, in a few months, or years decide that she’s ready for children. For that reason, I have resolved to remain single until I meet a childfree woman. It’s pointless dating when you know the outcome will eventually tear you both apart.

It sucks, but I have to be true to myself and to every potential mate I meet. We both have to want the same thing, and for me, that’s a childfree romance.

My Cultural Context

As a young man in Zimbabwe, people don’t really nag me about not having children (unless I’ve told them that I’m childfree). I think it’s because at this point, as a 23-year-old guy, society doesn’t expect me to have kids yet. I think that the most annoying and, the situation in which I’m the most limited, is access to sterilization. I mean, asking for a vasectomy is challenging because I’m regarded as still “too young”. It’s inappropriate when doctors use their morals to dictate how and what you should do with your body. I’m still trying get a vasectomy in my home country, but the healthcare system in Zimbabwe is lacking resources, so I’ve decided to postpone it for another year. So until then, it’s celibacy and abstinence.

As an African childfree man, I would like to change the way people view parenthood. I would like to advise my peers, the younger generation, and even the men and women born a decade or two before me that it’s ok not to want kids. Being a parent is a choice, not an obligation. You can still find fulfillment in life if you don’t have kids. Personally, I would like to travel to countries all around the world, as travelling is something that I has always interested me. I don’t think that’s possible with kids. Plus, I love my career. I got big plans, I don’t have time to play daddy.

I wish the medical profession were more open to men and women taking control of their reproductive choices. Specifically, I wish they were more open to sterilization because at the end of the day, it’s our bodies, and therefore it’s our choice. And I also wish childfree women were treated with more respect and compassion. They have more difficulty than us childfree men. Yes, some women don’t want to have kids and that’s ok too. That doesn’t make them evil, or any less feminine, valuable or important than women with children.

People should know that just as we respect their decisions to have kids, we want them respect ours as well. We can all live in peace and harmony when we remove the tunnel vision.

Final Thoughts

Being childfree is awesome. I have freedom in every sense of the word. Physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, mentally. I get to sleep whenever I want and eat whatever and whenever I want. If you are reading this and you are having serious doubts about having a child or children, I suggest you really take time to think about it like seriously. Weigh all the pros and cons of parenthood, and be sure that it’s something you won’t regret.

I think that having kids is like gambling. They could turn out to be great and upstanding individuals, but they could turn out to be awful people. For me, it’s better to regret not having kids than to regret having kids. You can’t change the latter.

I don’t gamble. Ever.

 

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Young man, what a fantastic decision in the society we live in.

    I am a child free woman, too z albeit kn her 40s. I am African, too. Trust me – there are child free African women. I suggest you join a Facebook group called Childfree Chicks Confidential.

    There you’ll find likeminded people from all over the world. You won’t be sorry.

  2. More and more people are choosing to be childfree. It’s a decision that goes hand in hand with better education and the realisation that it is a choice and not an obligation as you rightly said. We have all seen the horror that over-population can cause in certain countries. It is sensible and right to want to try and put and end to that suffering. If you know you do not want to be a parent you REALLY know. No amount of pressure will make you change your mind. If you do give in to it then regret and resentment will haunt you. Better to regret not having kids then regret actually having them. By the way I am a white, mid-50s, educated, female, and I have NEVER once regretted the choice to be childfree. In fact I celebrate my choice every day. Good luck for the future, I hope you achieve all your dreams.

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